Why was Captain Kirk's wife so upset?

Because William Shatoner

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"

"Don't you start."

A firework and a battery got arrested by the police. They let one off and charged the other.

guy walks into a butchers and says "a pound of sausages please mate"

the butcher says "its kilos now mate, kilos"

the guy says "fine, I'll have a pound of kilos"

A guy goes to the doctor and after a complete examination the doctor says, “I’m terribly sorry, but I have two lots of very bad news for you.” “Okay, give it to me Doc,” says the guy. “Well for starters you have AIDS and to top it off you also have Alzheimer’s disease as well.” “Wow,” the guy exclaims. “Well, it’s bad news, but thank god I don’t have AIDS.”



Out

Joe

Last edited by Joe Hubbard on Wed Aug 27, 2008 7:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

A man goes to the doctor to have a genital enhancement. The only thing the doctor can enhance him with, is the trunk of an elephant that sadly died at the local zoo.
The operation is a success, and a couple of months later the man goes for a check up. The doctor asks him how the enhancement was working.
"Well Doc" says the man "It was all going well when I met this girl in a bar and bought her a drink. We were getting on great until my appendage flopped out of my trousers, grabbed a load of peanuts and shoved them up my backside"

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who sent a declaration out throughout the country announcing that he was searching for a new head Samurai.

A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh - whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled and said; "Cіrcumcision is not intended to kill."

A monkey is sat in a tree, smoking a fat one. A lizard walks along, smells the good stuff, looks up and says “hey mr monkey”. “You dude, what’s happening?” replies the monkey. “Can I come up and smoke a fat one with you?” says the Lizard. “Dude, that would be awesome!” replies the monkey.

So the monkey and the lizard enjoy a sunny afternoon in the rainforest, sat on a branch, getting absolutely wasted. The lizard then says “man, I’ve got the serious munchies, I really need to head down to the river and eat some flies”. “No problem dude” says the monkey, and the lizard stumbles off to the river.

Just underneath the water, waiting for his next meal, is an alligator. As the lizard is trying to catch flies, in his stoned state he doesn’t see the alligator, and SNAP – the lizard is gone. Feeling pleased with his catch, the alligator goes off for a wander into the rainforest. He comes to the tree where the monkey is, smells the good stuff, looks up. “Hey mr monkey”, says the alligator. The monkey looks down, coughs out a puff of smoke, tries to focus for a second then says in amazement……

“Duuuuuuude!!! How many flies did you eat?!?!!!”

Gay man walks into a butcher and orders a large smoked sausage
Butcher - Do you want that sliced mate
Gay man - Sliced?! What do you think my arse is.. a money box?!

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork .