Hi All,

I thought it may be fun to do a fresh "short jokes thread" - here is one of mine for starters:

Guy goes into the library and asks the librarian "have you got any books on suicide"; she says "yes but I am not giving you one" - he said "why not" she said "because you won't bring it back" -- !!!!

Tony. T

My God.... ok, well they can only get better im just not sure mine will raise the bar. here goes:

Apologies in advance for any blonde women taking offence.

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-five's, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Very funny jokes guys, watch out I am blonde!!!!!!!!!

I saw a monkey today, he asked me for a tin opener. I said "What do need a tin opener for? You're a monkey and you eat bananas." The monkey replied "Yeah, but I fancy peaches today."

Sorry.

man walks into a bar
OUCH...it was an iron bar!

thank you thank you
i'm here all week...try the veal!
mick x

A young man asks his Gran "Have you seen my pills, they're labelled 'LSD'".

The Gran responds - "Sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen??"

Sorry

q:what's black and white and read/red all over?
a:sunburnt penguin/zebra or a newspaper!!

they sounded better when i was 12!

trust me guys i have worse to come!

raise the bar dudes!
mick x

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

whats got two legs and bleeds alot?


half a dog.

What's red & green and goes 150 miles per hour?

Kermit the frog in a blender. Ba-da-boom!



Out

Joe

A guy goes down to the beach one day and curiously notices all the other guys who are there have Arnold Schwarenegger Adonis type physiques and have abnormally little heads. As this guy is walking along the shore, he suddenly notices a lamp that has washed up on the beach. He picks it up and wipes the sand from the lamp and just then a Genie appeared who just happened to be one hot babe. The Genie says, “You have three wishes and three wishes only.” The dude says, “I always wanted to be a millionaire.” Bling!!! She says, “It’s done, you are now a millionaire; the money is now in your bank.” “Wow”, the guy exclaims, “I have always wanted a body just like all of these guys on this beach.” Bling!!! Amazingly, his body transformed before his very eyes. “You’ve got one more wish”, the Genie said. “Okay, since you are such a hot babe and I have such a great body now, how’s about a little head from you?” “Your wish is my command”, said the Genie. Bling!!!



Out

Joe

A Jelly Baby goes to the doctor. "Doctor, doctor. I
think I've got an STD."
The doctor is surprised, "You can't have an STD, you're a Jelly Baby!"
"But doctor, I've been sleeping with Allsorts."




Sorry guys, I'll stop now.

Out

Joe

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,

"I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"