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    Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

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    Tony Terranova

    Posts : 154
    Join date : 2008-06-15
    Age : 59
    Location : Cheltenham

    Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Tony Terranova on Tue Aug 19, 2008 11:52 pm

    Hi All,

    I thought it may be fun to do a fresh "short jokes thread" - here is one of mine for starters:

    Guy goes into the library and asks the librarian "have you got any books on suicide"; she says "yes but I am not giving you one" - he said "why not" she said "because you won't bring it back" -- !!!!

    Tony. T

    Guest
    Guest

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Guest on Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:03 am

    My God.... ok, well they can only get better im just not sure mine will raise the bar. here goes:

    Apologies in advance for any blonde women taking offence.

    A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
    Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
    Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-five's, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
    The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
    The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

    cheers

    Alan Macdonald

    Posts : 54
    Join date : 2008-06-15
    Age : 53
    Location : Cheltenham

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Alan Macdonald on Thu Aug 21, 2008 6:21 pm

    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

    Helen Mackenzie

    Posts : 56
    Join date : 2008-08-20
    Location : Bishops Cleeve

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Helen Mackenzie on Thu Aug 21, 2008 7:13 pm

    Very funny jokes guys, watch out I am blonde!!!!!!!!! lol!

    Phil Brady

    Posts : 175
    Join date : 2008-08-18

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Phil Brady on Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:06 pm

    I saw a monkey today, he asked me for a tin opener. I said "What do need a tin opener for? You're a monkey and you eat bananas." The monkey replied "Yeah, but I fancy peaches today."

    Sorry. Embarassed

    Mick Tully
    Moderator

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    Join date : 2008-06-14
    Age : 47
    Location : coventry

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Mick Tully on Sat Aug 23, 2008 11:43 pm

    man walks into a bar
    OUCH...it was an iron bar!

    thank you thank you
    i'm here all week...try the veal!
    mick x

    Al Peasland
    Admin

    Posts : 1051
    Join date : 2008-06-15
    Location : Northampton

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Al Peasland on Tue Aug 26, 2008 2:07 pm

    A young man asks his Gran "Have you seen my pills, they're labelled 'LSD'".

    The Gran responds - "Sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen??"

    Sorry What a Face

    Matt

    Posts : 76
    Join date : 2008-07-21

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Matt on Tue Aug 26, 2008 2:52 pm

    Q: What have an elephant and a grape got in common?

    A: They're both grey......except the grape!


    Egg and Bacon are frying in a pan, egg turns to bacon and says 'phew, it's hot in here!!'.

    Bacon says '!@%$ me! A talking egg!!'

    Mick Tully
    Moderator

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    Join date : 2008-06-14
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    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Mick Tully on Tue Aug 26, 2008 10:13 pm

    q:what's black and white and read/red all over?
    a:sunburnt penguin/zebra or a newspaper!!

    they sounded better when i was 12!

    trust me guys i have worse to come!

    raise the bar dudes!
    mick x

    Guest
    Guest

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Guest on Tue Aug 26, 2008 10:37 pm

    There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

    Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

    Shocked

    Phil Brady

    Posts : 175
    Join date : 2008-08-18

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Phil Brady on Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:21 am

    whats got two legs and bleeds alot?


    half a dog. jocolor

    Joe Hubbard

    Posts : 95
    Join date : 2008-08-20
    Location : London

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Joe Hubbard on Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:37 am

    What's red & green and goes 150 miles per hour?

    Kermit the frog in a blender. Ba-da-boom!

    Razz

    Out

    Joe

    Joe Hubbard

    Posts : 95
    Join date : 2008-08-20
    Location : London

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Joe Hubbard on Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:54 am

    A guy goes down to the beach one day and curiously notices all the other guys who are there have Arnold Schwarenegger Adonis type physiques and have abnormally little heads. As this guy is walking along the shore, he suddenly notices a lamp that has washed up on the beach. He picks it up and wipes the sand from the lamp and just then a Genie appeared who just happened to be one hot babe. The Genie says, “You have three wishes and three wishes only.” The dude says, “I always wanted to be a millionaire.” Bling!!! She says, “It’s done, you are now a millionaire; the money is now in your bank.” “Wow”, the guy exclaims, “I have always wanted a body just like all of these guys on this beach.” Bling!!! Amazingly, his body transformed before his very eyes. “You’ve got one more wish”, the Genie said. “Okay, since you are such a hot babe and I have such a great body now, how’s about a little head from you?” “Your wish is my command”, said the Genie. Bling!!!

    Laughing

    Out

    Joe

    Joe Hubbard

    Posts : 95
    Join date : 2008-08-20
    Location : London

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Joe Hubbard on Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:15 am

    A Jelly Baby goes to the doctor. "Doctor, doctor. I
    think I've got an STD."
    The doctor is surprised, "You can't have an STD, you're a Jelly Baby!"
    "But doctor, I've been sleeping with Allsorts."


    affraid

    Sorry guys, I'll stop now.

    Out

    Joe

    Al Peasland
    Admin

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    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Al Peasland on Wed Aug 27, 2008 3:04 pm

    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,

    "I'm going to have to put him down."

    "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

    "No, because he's really heavy"

    lol!

    Michael W Wright

    Posts : 128
    Join date : 2008-08-04
    Location : Glasgow/London

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Michael W Wright on Wed Aug 27, 2008 3:20 pm

    Why was Captain Kirk's wife so upset?

    Because William Shatoner

    Al Peasland
    Admin

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    Join date : 2008-06-15
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    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Al Peasland on Wed Aug 27, 2008 3:40 pm

    Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
    "How's that?"

    "Don't you start."

    Phil Brady

    Posts : 175
    Join date : 2008-08-18

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Phil Brady on Wed Aug 27, 2008 3:42 pm

    A firework and a battery got arrested by the police. They let one off and charged the other.

    Michael W Wright

    Posts : 128
    Join date : 2008-08-04
    Location : Glasgow/London

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Michael W Wright on Wed Aug 27, 2008 4:01 pm

    guy walks into a butchers and says "a pound of sausages please mate"

    the butcher says "its kilos now mate, kilos"

    the guy says "fine, I'll have a pound of kilos"

    Joe Hubbard

    Posts : 95
    Join date : 2008-08-20
    Location : London

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Joe Hubbard on Wed Aug 27, 2008 4:58 pm

    A guy goes to the doctor and after a complete examination the doctor says, “I’m terribly sorry, but I have two lots of very bad news for you.” “Okay, give it to me Doc,” says the guy. “Well for starters you have AIDS and to top it off you also have Alzheimer’s disease as well.” “Wow,” the guy exclaims. “Well, it’s bad news, but thank god I don’t have AIDS.”

    What a Face

    Out

    Joe


    Last edited by Joe Hubbard on Wed Aug 27, 2008 8:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

    Michael W Wright

    Posts : 128
    Join date : 2008-08-04
    Location : Glasgow/London

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Michael W Wright on Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:05 pm

    Laughing

    Phil Brady

    Posts : 175
    Join date : 2008-08-18

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Phil Brady on Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:18 pm

    A man goes to the doctor to have a genital enhancement. The only thing the doctor can enhance him with, is the trunk of an elephant that sadly died at the local zoo.
    The operation is a success, and a couple of months later the man goes for a check up. The doctor asks him how the enhancement was working.
    "Well Doc" says the man "It was all going well when I met this girl in a bar and bought her a drink. We were getting on great until my appendage flopped out of my trousers, grabbed a load of peanuts and shoved them up my backside" elephant

    Al Peasland
    Admin

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    Location : Northampton

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Al Peasland on Fri Aug 29, 2008 6:09 pm

    Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who sent a declaration out throughout the country announcing that he was searching for a new head Samurai.

    A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

    The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces.

    The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

    The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh - whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four pieces.

    The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"

    The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around.

    The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

    The Jewish Samurai smiled and said; "Cіrcumcision is not intended to kill."

    Michael W Wright

    Posts : 128
    Join date : 2008-08-04
    Location : Glasgow/London

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by Michael W Wright on Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:50 pm

    A monkey is sat in a tree, smoking a fat one. A lizard walks along, smells the good stuff, looks up and says “hey mr monkey”. “You dude, what’s happening?” replies the monkey. “Can I come up and smoke a fat one with you?” says the Lizard. “Dude, that would be awesome!” replies the monkey.

    So the monkey and the lizard enjoy a sunny afternoon in the rainforest, sat on a branch, getting absolutely wasted. The lizard then says “man, I’ve got the serious munchies, I really need to head down to the river and eat some flies”. “No problem dude” says the monkey, and the lizard stumbles off to the river.

    Just underneath the water, waiting for his next meal, is an alligator. As the lizard is trying to catch flies, in his stoned state he doesn’t see the alligator, and SNAP – the lizard is gone. Feeling pleased with his catch, the alligator goes off for a wander into the rainforest. He comes to the tree where the monkey is, smells the good stuff, looks up. “Hey mr monkey”, says the alligator. The monkey looks down, coughs out a puff of smoke, tries to focus for a second then says in amazement……

    “Duuuuuuude!!! How many flies did you eat?!?!!!”

    Laughing

    AMC Steve

    Posts : 96
    Join date : 2008-06-16
    Location : Dewsbury, West Yorkshire

    Re: Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

    Post by AMC Steve on Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:53 pm

    Gay man walks into a butcher and orders a large smoked sausage
    Butcher - Do you want that sliced mate
    Gay man - Sliced?! What do you think my arse is.. a money box?!

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