Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork .

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Sorry - I'll try and stop now *bites hand*

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?

I met a girl in the pub last night i eventually i took her home and kissed her on the doorstep......she said why dont you kiss me on the lips like everyone else..da dum crash!

two oranges walk into a bar-one says to the other "you're round"

Following the financial problems in both Europe and the US, the Japanese Government today issued this news bulletin :-

"In the last 7 days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and the Bonsai Bank has announced plans to shrink in size and cut some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is now up for sale, and it is expected to go for a song. Kamikaze Bank has suspended its shares after they took a nose-dive.

The Samurai Bank is soldiering on despite sharp cutbacks. Ninja Bank has taken a hit, but remains in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank face the chop, and analysts report something fishy happening at Sushi Bank, where it is feared staff will get a raw deal."

End of Bulletin ....

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognised Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

bloke walks into a bar with a giraffe and they both get pissed as newts on the way out the girraffe collapses and the bar shouts oi! you cant levae that lyin there. And the man replies thats not a lion thats a giraffe.....



Peter sits and watches the tumble weed pass by in the howling wind...

necrophilia:
lay back and crack open a cold one.

few more random quotes:

"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like "Huh?", but if it's in a basket you're like "Nice""

“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’

“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”

"They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. How about, no one should throw stones? Unless, you're trapped in a glass house and you have a stone. Then by all means throw it! So it should be, only people in glass houses should throw stones... Provided they are trapped."

"I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying 'I'm standing right behind you."

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

enjoy

Two firemen are butt ******** in a smoke filled room........

Sorry thats as far as I usually get before I get pummeled for telling the same joke a thousand times....

anyway
the chief fireman walks past and says: " what on earth are you guys doing "
the first fireman replies: "er um.. this man is suffering from smoke inhalation"
the chief replies: "well give him mouth to mouth"
the second firemen says: "he did how do you think this shit started"

sorry but it felt good to tell the whole joke with out the bruises.... ths joke works well when there is a lull in the conversation of a group of males, the first line usually gets everyones attention

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping !!!!!!

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on a new BMW

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"

Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?

What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets

What is a banker's favourite chocolate bar?
A credit crunchie!

Why didn't the little boy get any pocket money this week?
Cos his Mum's gone to Iceland!

For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland?
Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...

Funnily enough, I run a creative thinking course which uses comedy to demonstrate how novel solutions can be found. When I approached the banks with the idea of running the course for their staff, they laughed. I bet they're not laughing now...(to paraphrase Bob Hope).

Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!

Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
"'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"

"I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist,
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."

"I am 96" said the old man. "I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."

man stopped by cops on M6 after being clocked at 120 mph... cop says, "Give me one good reason for that speed". Man says, " Two months ago, my wife ran off with a traffic cop. when i saw you behind, i thought you were bringing the F*@#er back.

Little boy asks his dad where does "Poo" come from? Dad explains food passes through the esophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentry canal to extract protein before waste product descends via the colon and rectum to emerge as "POO". Blimey says the little boy, so where the hell does Tigger come from?

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.


The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..



Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down......'

William Shakespeare walks into a bar
the barman says "you're bard"
i'm sorry! X

got attacked by four guys last night, managed to knock one out. with hindsight I've thought of better times for a w?@k.