The hardest battle

Hi All,
About half an hour ago I was in my car with my wife driving and my daughter in the back seat with my sister-in-law. A guy spat on our car as we drove past him on my daughters window. My sister-in-law made me aware of it and emotion got the better of me, I told my wife to pull over and confronted the guy who was I would say 6 2" and 100kg. I'm 5'10 and 75kg.
I know by confronting him I've broken a massive rule in sd, but as I said emotion got the better of me.
I walked away and got back in my car with a shit load of adrenaline coursing through me. He then started shouting about what would I do about it anyway and called me a skinny c**t. It was extremely difficult for me not to get back out of the car with a wheelbrace and take the blokes head off. I'm still shaking now. But theres a little voice in my head saying I didn't get out of the car because of fear. I guess I'll always be learning things about myself. Shit I want to kill him.

Hi Phil

Thanks for posting and firstly - thank goodness you and your family are ok

Trust me, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!

Pat yourself on the back and thank yourself lucky that you've just been given the best Self Defence training opportunity money can buy. Because now you're in the arena for a spar that you can't get anywhere in the gym

This battle is now with yourself, your ego, your own inner opponent.

It's telling you stuff that you were scared, that you bottled it, that you couldn't handle it, that you were frightened you'd lose - all meaty heavy negative stuff that you can't drag on the mat and kick the life out of.

This is the toughest battle mate and the only way you can win it is to beat it with lots of answers to these negatives.

Firstly - yes, you did do the wrong thing of getting out of the car - sorry to say - but then you have already admitted that.
You were not in danger - you had a bit of gob on your car which could be washed off - you had vulnerable family in your car that it's your duty to protect and not put into harms way.

However, I totally understand how you felt and why you did get out. I've done it and I'm guessing most others who read this will have done it - so don't beat yourself up about that.

Getting back in your car was totally the right thing to do though - and well done for that

Chances are you'd have battered the guy (you train - he probably doesn't) - and where would that have got you
Try explaining that one to the judge!
"Tell me Mr Brady - just how big was the blob of gob on your car that warranted you to introduce his head to the tarmac?"

Not good!

all I can say mate is that you did the right thing by not getting physical with the guy
If you didn't doubt yourself and think you left because you were scared then you wouldn't be human.
You were right to be scared - I certainly would have been so there's nothing wrong with feeling like that
And I don't doubt that you will re-live this scene many times and question what you did, what you would do again, what you would do to the guy if you seen him again.

The best thing you can do is to thank that guy for giving you this opportunity to expose your inner opponent.

You did good and I'm pleased you are all safe.

I've waffled but if you need to discuss more and look at how we can beat the ego, how you can stop this from eating you up - just drop me a line my friend

Thanks again for posting

Al

Thanks Al, I'm kicking myself now for getting out of the car. It was an almost automatic response. I've gone over the incident at least 20 times in my head and I've arrived at the same conclusion. Lily- my daughter who is 4, would have been more traumatised by seeing her gentle, loving, silly daddy turning into an animal and half killing some bloke,than seeing some pond life gobbing at her car window.
My training has been kind of limited within sd and I guess in this case it showed.(Sorry Alban!) You're right Al, my family weren't in danger and my actions could have changed that. I guess I'll always be learning about myself and my inner demons.
Thanks again for the detailed response Al.
Phil.

Well put, Al, i agree, although as Phil said when you have this little voice telling you things, it a battle with will power then.

Just laugh it off and move on ; you can't kill every pigeon that craps on your car !!

I had a similar incident, and I beat myself up about it, felt like shit. You have to look at what you would be throwing away, your freedom because you end up prison, your family, your job, etc. These fuckers don't have anything to throw away and have more than likely done their fair bit of porridge.I would congratulate yourself that you let him off.

Thanks for all your comments guys.

Your spirit is your true shield...

Al and Peter...

are you guys actually in that 'place' ??

are you guys that comfortable with your abilities and ego that you can walk away all the time

i respect you both and i ask because for me its a problem that i always struggle with internaly, i have been in a few situations where i wanted to kill the guy and it was other people or my consience that stopped me. sometimes i hated my self for escalating it to a point that was purely for my ego because i knew the guy would back down. pathetic i know and trust me i am a good guy, no thug, always willing to help but when a 'bad guy' gets in my way i do struggle a bit to put things right.

sincerly

Les

Hi Les

In short my answer would be "No"

I'm not in that place, well - not totally, 100% of the time but I am doing very well at visiting that place frequently and holidaying there quite alot of the time.
It's slowly becoming home to me now but I'm not a total, 100% resident just yet....

I guess we all still make mistakes and I'm no exception.

My real achievement though is to understand these feelings and know what they really are. Once you understand you can accept and then you can overcome.

So now, whenever I get that battle and those feelings I know it is ego and I don't beat myself up about it for as long.

I have also, sometimes, been known not to walk away or rise above it! but I am constantly working to improve that

It's a comfort to know I'm not the only one.

thanks Al...

i guess i will never be in that place completely, and i am not ashamed to admit that i would like to hold onto a bit of ego now and again when the time is right, but it has to BE right....

i think its all about maturity and finding yourself which will and should be a lifelong goal

thanks

Personally, I would have run the bastard over...

just kiddin you did the right thing by extracting yourself from the situation, to be fair you should have just drove off in the first place; but easier said than done I know. In truth you never now who you are dealing with, so you getting hurt and leaving the rest of your family unattended in the car is NOT the way to go. In such a situation they are your priority so get gone, you can always hose down your window later.

Couple of points though... first thing you just had some adrenaline exposure, that is the first step to getting used to it; if something similar happens again, I suggest extracting yourself as the priority if that's an option we all know you've got no business getting physical with anyone over anything so trivial if the option to avoid and escape exists.

With that said such experience can be useful, first as I said before you got exposure to adrenaline and I'm sure you got more from that than any scenario you may have taken part in in training; the next time you get a similar experience, note how powerful the chemical cocktail of adrenal stress is, then take note of how angry it makes you feel.

The fact is; your angry that such a fucking no-mark made you feel scared and that's OK cause that is a resource you can use if you ever find yourself in such a situation again that you can't avoid. Use that energy; the thinking goes, the more scared you make me feel, the more fucking dangerous I'll become. Here's a couple of things you can do to reframe the experience towards a more positive end...first close your eyes and take yourself back to that experience, try to recreate the experience in your head thinking specifically about how you felt, fearful, angry etc...

note just how powerful such feelings could be particularly if you could use those feelings as a touch control resource. Next reframe the experience in your head just to get rid of any self-doubt or Black Dog you might be feeling...Think how the scrot spat on your window, then see yourself turning to your family and saying don't worry about it he obviously doesnt fucking realise who he's dealing with. Then make light of it blaming it on current society today and take your family home.

Next just as an exercise; imagine just by fate that after you drop everyone off you realise you forgot something at the local shop; so you drive back up the road and as one of those meant to be things you happen to see Mr flem-flob walking towards you with facial intent as he shouts obscenities aimed at your scaring you into capitulation...

at this point access those previous feelings of adrenaline...hold the feeling, breathe with it, now access those feelings of anger that came after...maximise them in your head and imagine turning those feelings into a vehicle that drives your favoured main artillery pre-emptive strike into the first shot of a barrage of continuous strikes that drops the meat puppet into an unconscious heap with clinical precision...

Note the dynamics of the situation, take solace in the fact that you previously tried to avoid this individual, but now escape was not on the cards. You were legally and morally justified to pre-empt and your level of force paralleled the threat particularly as you notice a screw driver on the floor next to the now unconscious subject...

Run through the scenario in your head, imagine that you dealt with this situation to the best of your ability...even goes as far as to take this internal visualisation into an externally tactile drill... by visualising the said scenario before you motor on the pads/heavy bag etc. Dare to use your imagination to think about how you would feel if you knew whole heartedly through your own unshakeable self-belief that in any such situation...YOU COULD DEAL WITH IT.

Then take yourself back to the statement you made in the car to your family "he obviously has no fucking idea what he's dealing with" Then chuck the monkey off your back and enjoy your life.

We use drills like this all the time in UC. If you have not tried such psychological conditioning before I realy suggest you give it a try now.

Peace LM

Lee,
Haha! i did actually think of running him over!!
Thanks for the words, I have had limited exposure to this kind of psycological training with Alban and I've heard alot about it from him. He spoke highly of you by the way! haha.
It was the fact that I got out of the car that disturbed me the most. It was an automatic response that I wasn't ready for. I was one of the guys that I'm taught to strike pe-emptively. I guess I need more training. Cooking for 50+ hours a week kind of limits my time. I train with one of the waiters from work on our split-shift at the tokei gym. It would be a great opportunity to train with you one day, I'm a Fareham boy originally so maybe I'll give you a buzz next time I'm down from London visiting me Mum.
Peace,
Phil.