What would you have done differently? What could I have done differently?

All,

I am after some opinions.

Yesterday I used the train to get home, no biggy there it's what I always do.

The difference this time around was that there was a guy on board who was clearly out to cause trouble. As I walked onto the train I looked for a seat to be confronted with:

What are you looking at? Are you looking at me? Keep f***in' lookin' at me and you will know about it? Who do you think you are? Are you gay? In my manor (he had clearly watched too much Lock, Stock), you look at people like that you get shot.

What did I do? Not a lot, really. I looked him in the eye, said I hadn't looked at him and stayed in my seat (what a hero!). Others around me got up and left and then he commenced his rant at everybody that may or may not have looked in his direction.

Nobody said a word, nobody stood up for anybody and up to 30 people (including me) on that carriage had been intimidated by one guy. Quite a lonely feeling.

The guy didn't say another word but to me but did to everybody else that walked past. He and his mate talked about how he'd kidnap kids if anybody stood up to him, he would f**k people up.

Initially I was really angry with myself for not standing up to him more vociferously (as I hadn't done a thing for me or anybody else) but then I became calm. I thought if this guy does go for it then I am ready. I did not take my eye off him for the 45 minutes I was on that train, which is strange bearing in mind he didn't like being looked at, I moved the arm of the chair in case I had to move quickly and I then relaxed and went over the things that Tony and Alan drum in each week.

I have read some posts here about feeling like a victim and clearly that is not where I wanted to be, but I didn't do anything. Nobody got hurt, nobody got attacked but I feel like I should've done something different, it is bugging me.

What if my wife and kids would have been on that train?

Advice on how to handle this next time would be appreciated.

Cheers (and thanks for the forum to be able to ask the question)

Matt

Seems like you did all the right things Matt, confrontation always leaves you feeling as if you haven't done enough. If they were still on the train you could have reported them when you got off, but that's about all.

Hi Matt

A difficult one and the first thing to note is that no-one got hurt and no-one ended up fighting but I can feel the frsutration just reading your post so I can imagine what you must have been going through.

Had a very similar thing in a queue at the post office - of all places. Didn't last anywhere near as long but a similar situation where the troublemaker had tried it with me. I'd responded calmly but in a very confident "don't f*(k with me - I'm not in the mood" kind of way.

This caused him to leave me alone but sadly target his antics on others in the queue.

There were 3 other blokes in the queue, and 2 young ladies - one of which he decided to try to chat up.

Fortunately, the queue all moved on, he left the shop to wait for his buddy (another loser!) ouside. However, it was very close to the point where I was going to have to step in and re-direct him away from the young woman he was chatting up. She was clearly nervous and all I could think was that if it was my girlfriend or my mum or one of my friends in the queue, I would like to think that any other bloke in the queue would have stepped in to help.

Anyway, I digress.

Personally, I think you did absolutely the right thing. You could have got back off the train, got off at the next stop, maybe moved to another carriage. From a personal self protection point of view, that would have been the first port of call. However, some situations you can just sense that, once they've moved away from you it's because you'd already done enough to scare them off. For me, if this was the case, i would probably have stuck around to offier my support to the others on the train, as you did.

The next issue is, when do you then step back in to stop them. At what point have they done or said too much and then need sorting out. Every situation is different. If they were just being loud and swearing for example, I may let them get away with it, but if there were kids on the train, then I may think that is too far.

Obviously if they start physically harassing someone then I definitely would step in. And to be honest, aving already gone through the formalities of dialogue and have a bit of verbal with them earlier on. I wouldn't be doing much talking the second time I had to get in their way.

As with all these things. Sometimes trying to do the right thing can only inflame the situation more. But you can only judge that at the time.
But, I think this is the chance you often have to take. We can all sit with our heads in the sands and pray they will go away or start to behave. Deep down we probably know they're not going to.

Go with your gut, if it tells you it's going to kick off any minute, it probably is.

I've waffled and probably not answered your question, but I think you did the right thing mate.

You fronted them from the off - which showed them they need to look elsewhere.
You kept yourself in a good position and stayed switched on in case they kicked off.
You'd obviously run through what you were going to do should it have escalated.
And you hung around (rightly or wrongly) to potentially offer support to anyone else in the carriage.

The only downside is that your whole journey was spent very switched on which is tiring if nothing else.

Sometimes mate, doing nothing is the very best thing to do!

we've all been in similar situations mate. although its easy to sit there and think of all the ways it could have gone different, why not think about it like this...

you didnt have to hurt them. you didnt decide to hurt them, even though you could've beaten the shit outta them.

id say everyones a winner there mate

you did fine mate....stop doing the 'what if' thing to death.

you took on a verbal confrontation and handled it well. you then mentally prepared yourself for any physical confrontation. you decided to sit in a way that would give you an advantage.

i have no doubt that had the guy turned physical on you you would have done some damage, i also feel that you would have stepped in if they had gone physical on someone else.

as martial artists and i will add guys and girls of good moral standard you will come across stuff like this all the time.

you dealt with it, got home safe. nuff said

i want to add...

always remember that feeling, that adrenal dump, flowing through you. making you faster and stronger. the way you accessed the situation and dealt with it, you became calm and aware. dont forget it. its a fantastic learning tool.

that guy was lucky he sat still and didn't bother you again.

You did the right thing. he knew not to fcuk with you after you had the verbal. I have been in the same situation too. I did the same as you. but i knew that more word and it was fight night and i bet you your guy knew that you weren't gonna take anynore from him too cause if he didnt it would have kicked off.
YOU DID GOOD.

Hear hear!
Please also try and realise that pricks like that are just treading water when it comes to staying in one piece.....karma will catch up with him one day! He sounded like a wannabe,but really would it be worth the risk? Don't worry mate you did good! Twat prob. Still lives with his mum
hahaha
mick x

I think that I would have done the same thing - and like you up to the point where someone was going to get hurt & then stepped in. Most trains have CCTV on, you may have looked like the initiator even if you acted preemptively via pre-attack cues. Then you get one lot of horrible feelings (and more) for another! No one got hurt, no one's in prison or court - result.

I'd say you've handled it immaculately. You're safe, no-one got hurt and as with most tools out there it's generally all talk no action. I find it funny this kind of scum need to talk themselves up, broadcasting thier "violent nature" yet when confrontation lands at their doorstep they soon scarper for the hills. I find it's always best not to rise to verbal intimidation unless you're 100% certain it's going the physical route. Anyhows, nicely done mate!

Cheers for the responses everybody,

Why are you always left with the feeling that you should've turfed them off the train?

I must admit though the training that I have been doing, only for 6 months I admit, really helped. Prior to training with FFMA and reading this forum I think I would've been really intimidated and probably changed carriages. As noted in a previous comment, I believe I stuck around just in case anybody else got into difficulty.

Thanks again.

Why are you always left with the feeling that you should've turfed them off the train?

ego....

its a bad thing mate and I still struggle with it sometimes

and now for my 2p
Yes mate, like everyone above me has said, you did the right thing.
It is difficult when you're in those situations to know what to do.
A couple of years ago I was returning to a car park with my girlfriend and one of my best mates (who the day before had broken his collar bone), to find a group of 6 or 7 young chavs drinking and loitering near the drivers side of my car. As we approached, I could see them eyeing us up and commenting, so I passed the car keys to my girlfriend and told her and my friend to take a wide birth, open the car from the passenger side, get in quick and if anything happened lock the doors and call the police (she can't drive yet). As I neared the group, I could see they were holding glass bottles. I kept a reasonable distance and lined them up so if it went, I had only a minimum no. of people to deal with first. There was a certain amount of pointless dialogue but I got to my car without problem and got in. Now as I locked the door and started to drive the car away, they started kicking the car and throwing car park cones at it. My immediate intention was to get my girlfriend and injured friend out of the situation asap (the right thing to do) yet as soon as we had exited the car park my ego started to wake up and I wanted to go and fill them in and/or run them over (the wrong thing to do!). Thankfully, I went with option one with my Dad's (R.I.P) words going in my head "Never go to jail for an idiot son."
Even as you have done here, that evening, I started to question my decision. I too wasn't sure if I had done the right thing in not going back, but I emailed my Instructor, Michael Wright and he reassured me, in just the same way as the guys above have reassured you here.
The point of all this is just to remind you, that what happened to you, has happened to us all and will no doubt happen to us all again and we will all feel like we should have done something, or done it ifferently, but if you get you and your loved ones out of a bad situation uninjured and back home in one piece, then you have done the best thing that you could of.