Short Jokes to start the day with a laugh

Two drug addicts got caught burgling a fire works factory, they were so far out of their heads that one was eating a rocket and the other was drinking acid from a car battery...... So they charged one and let the other one off.. boom! boom!

Awful.

Have you seen the news? That guy attacking vicars with cleaning fluid?

He has been arested for a Bleach of the Priest.

I'll get my coat......

A man has been rescued and taken to hospital after being locked in his pet shop for three weeks with only cat food to live on. Doctors have said he is a little dehydrated and his stomach is Ok but unfortunately he has injured his neck Licking his arse...I am so fecking funny

This fellow named Leon has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing 'em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont - as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, Leon is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great,"Leon says, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn!" Leon thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like the Redwood Run." "Well," he says, "I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too."

"Now that is not a problem," says Leon, "remember, I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way...what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's just gonna be the two of us."

40 gypsies arrive at the gates of heaven.

St Peter says ''we have only room for 12 of you so decide who is coming in''.

5 minutes later St Peter says to God ''They have gone''

God says ''what? all 40 of them?''

St Peter replies ''No, The fucking gates''

a little lad is wandering round a shopping arcade crying shouting `mummy mummy` so a friendly copper walks up and says `whats wrong little man? have you lost your mummy?`
`yes I have` he bawls
`well whats she like?` asks mr plod
little fella replies `vodka and gang bangs`

scientists have isolated a substance which makes women allergic to oral sex. Its called wedding cake.

Why did the baker have brown smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.

moldeeside wrote:scientists have isolated a substance which makes women allergic to oral sex. Its called wedding cake.

Guy gets home and his house is full of smoke.... wife is fishing some of his clothing out of a burning frying pan. "No!" says he..... "I didn't say I wanted you to cook my sock......"

bloke rushes into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and waving a gun round, he screams at the woman behind the counter
`open the safe now !!`
she`s cowers and says `but this isn`t a normal bank sir, its a sperm bank`
he goes wild and points the gun `open the f**king safe now`

so she does and its full of test tubes full of sperm

`get one of those and drink it`

terrified she does as she`s told

suddenly he pulls the mask off and its her husband who says

`there you are darling, not that f**king hard is it?`





And finally.....


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together, the chicken is smoking a cigarette and the egg is looking proper pissed off
The chicken says `well, guess we`ve answered that one then`

guy walks into a butchers and says "a pound of sausages please mate"

the butcher says "its kilos now mate, kilos"

the guy says "fine, I'll have a pound of kilos"

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